What does Freedom Feel like?
A trip to Mexico sparked some healing
I used to think about freedom in a very linear way. Having my nuances about it, it felt a lot like physical stability. The more I removed myself from the trauma of my childhood, the more expansive freedom began to feel. In so many ways, that trauma confined me and the perspective I had about life.
I didn’t grow up with much stability. Being the eldest of three to a single, teenage parent, we moved around a lot - different homes, motels, and with many different people. I went to so many schools, all I knew was change. In a lot of ways as an adult, I learned to adapt quickly, and how to make things feel normal, even when they weren’t. This trip reminded me of how much that shaped my view of safety, comfort, and my idea of peace and “freedom.”
So when I told people I quit my job, moved out of my very cozy place, and planned to travel for 9 months, they assumed I was breaking out of some predictable space. But honestly, this is the most intentional I’ve ever been.
The Stability I Created Was Survival
As an adult, I worked hard to build structure - the job, the place, the car, the routine. I always had those things. After so much movement growing up, so much trauma coupled with comparison to a parent I disliked, it felt like I needed that to feel grounded. I became reliable, but over-functioning for myself. I was always good at setting boundaries with people, so everyone knew where I stood.
Choosing Freedom (even if it doesn’t feel natural)
I had been wanting to focus on traveling since my twenties. From the military, to undergrad and grad school, to social work internships, and community programs, I could never truly find the space to put that into fruition- at the time. There was always something else I needed to do.
So now in my thirties, I’m choosing it. Not to escape, but to get closer to myself. And it feels, strange. I think about the teachings of Kwame Ture and the misplaced sense of freedom we assume. As a culture, how many examples of true freedom do we have? I realized this is where the conflict of my individualized sense of freedom comes in to play.
And this goes even deeper if we discuss ageism and the whole “by this age I should be…” the reality is, we all have different lives, different experiences, and different perspectives. Do what works for you - so long as it is healthy.The trauma I’ve experienced caused me to disassociate a lot. I can imagine myself elsewhere, but doing that so long, can make experiences feel uncomfortably surreal.
There’s a quiet that comes with freedom. Freedom in the mind, finances, the spirit, even in words. Freedom in action and access. The freedom that elevates. Times I wonder if freedom exists when there is still no equality. Being in Mexico, walking the streets and taking in the environment, provides me with freedom of clarity. There are no expectations of me. I am free to do as I please. I can sleep for as long as I want without shame. Walk miles and miles without exhaustion. Those simple things feel different for me back in the states.
I know this is a season. But, I am giving myself space to experience who I am outside of performing, providing, or proving anything.
So what does it feel like?
Waking up between 6-7am every day. Taking long walks, listening to audio books. Sometimes biking around town with no actual place in mind. Just riding. Picking up fruits here and there. Focusing on my creativity. The air is different. The amount of times I say “Hola” is unbelievable. There’s a sense of comfort for me here. Like home.
Sometimes it feels like eating alone. Listening to the birds chirp all afternoon. Grocery shopping in a region you may not fully comprehend. Waking up with no alarm. Driving around town listening to music. Sitting with a loved one in silence. Reading a book. Not reading a book. Maybe its just peace.
It feels like learning and remembering versions of yourself, and loving them. It’s however you get to be authentically yourself - because of yourself.
If peace, or freedom feels weird, or uncomfortable, it is definitely working. I can’t tell you how many times I have cried on this trip - good tears. Sometimes your nervous system needs to catch up to your liberation.
Journal Prompt: What are you afraid will happen, if you choose your own sense of peace? Write it down, spend 5 minutes releasing it, then make a small change towards discovering your freedom.
Notes from the Road…
I’m a human being, not a machine. I deserve slow mornings and second chances.
I still check in with my guilt, & even the privilege of being able to stop everything to travel.
I am more than my ability to hold things together. Sometimes, letting go is the win.
Softness is the road I prefer to travel on.
For Us: Black Women, Strong Women, Held-Together Women
If you don’t know how to just be, it is not your fault. Its generations of unhealthy teachings to manage, carry, fix, solve - sometimes with no backup plan.
We weren’t raised to rest. And it’s because we are so strong, freedom can feel like a threat. But sis, I say this with love, you don’t owe anyone your exhaustion.
Check in with yourself. And, let people in to help and take some weight off. You are not behind. You are not lazy. You are not lost. You are finally listening to yourself. Give yourself grace.
You made it towards a Small Change. Whether you’re on a plane, at home, in between jobs, or in between selves - I see you. Thank you for reading and supporting. I’d love to hear how you’re embracing the journey toward creativity and mental wellness. If you enjoyed this newsletter, here are a few simple ways to help it grow:
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Currently somewhere between who I was and who I’m becoming.
Loved this from top to bottom